I'm Leaving
by Becky3
Summary: Peyton has watched people walk out of her life more than once. What happens when she can’t deal with the pain of them leaving anymore?


Summary: Peyton has watched people walk out of her life more than once. What happens when she can't deal with the pain of them leaving anymore?

A/N- I just want to say hey. This is the first One Tree Hill fic I've done and only my second fic I ever posted on here. I would like to know what you think of it so when you're done reading please review. Thank you. This story takes place third season after Peyton sends Ellie away. Well that's it. Enjoy the fic.

I'm sitting here staring at one my drawings. It's the one of the traffic light that says "people always leave." Well I'm sick of being the one that gets left behind. It hurts too much to watch everyone I care about leave and not hear anything from them.

It's been happening all my life. My dad is always leaving on jobs and most of the time now I've been living on my own. I should be happy right? Any seventeen year old dreams about being on their own and not having to deal with their parents. Well let me tell you it is incredibly lonely. I talk and see my dad through our web cams that he got us but it's not the same as having him here. Sometimes I wish he didn't have to go but it's his job. We need the money to live off of.

My mom died when I was eight years old. She was running late picking me up one day so she ran a red light. She got into this horrible car accident and died in the hospital. One red light and she's gone for good. I'm still not over her death even though it happened ten years ago. How can I be? Two years ago, I would wait for the traffic light to turn red and go speeding through them. Nothing ever happened to me. How can I do it dozens of times, not get a scratch on me, and she dies after doing it once. It doesn't make sense and it isn't fair. A girl needs her mom for the important moments in her life whether it's getting her period for the first time, first crush, sex, make up, boys, and any other important event. My dad is great and has done the best he can but he can't answer all the questions my mom could have answered. I know my mom probably wishes that she was with me and it wasn't her choice, but she still left. It just leaves me wondering if she would have been proud of the person I've become. Guess I'll never know.

So both my parents are away and it's just me in this big empty house. At least I have my friends who come over and they check on me. My grandma does periodically too. I know Lucas or Brooke would come over and stay with me if I ever needed them to.

For awhile Jake Jaglieski was staying with me. We were in love and he left. He had to leave and get back the person he loves most in the world — his daughter, Jenny. You see Jake is a single dad who was doing the best to raise his daughter, go to school, and work a job to help cover the expenses that go with having a child. We started out friends and I would baby-sit Jenny for him. I fell in love with her. She is a beautiful girl just like her father. Unfortunately for Jenny, her mother was never involved in her life when she was born and she was just passed on to Jake. Nicki, the bitch as I refer to her, left town and then comes back, wanting to be in Jenny's life. You can't leave and expect to be let back in like nothing is wrong. Jake didn't want Nicki to get a hold of Jenny so I helped him leave town with her, while Brooke and I sent Nicki in the opposite direction. Before he left I was starting to fall for him.

After Jake left I tried coke for the first time. Then a few more times after that. I wasn't happy and I was just upset and lonesome. That's pretty much how I feel now. I was going to buy some more coke when Jake came back and I immediately stopped. We talked and he helped me feel better. He made me happy again. Things between us went pass the friendship level and we fell in love. It was unexpected but not unwanted.

Of course in the life of Peyton Sawyer, all good things must end. Nicki showed up wanting custody of Jenny and that meant that there was going to have a custody battle. Jake did the only thing he could think of even though that meant he would be sent to prison. He sent Jenny away where she'd be safe and taken care of. I visited Jake as much as I could until he told me not to come because it hurt too much to see me. I completely understood even though it hurt me just as much.

Then Jake got some bad news. Nicki found Jenny and took off with her. Jake was released from prison but he had to leave to get his daughter back. I haven't heard from him since the day he got on his motorcycle and drove away. I think about him all the time and the love we shared. There are so many questions I have about where we are as a couple. Are we over? Would it be wrong to see somebody else? Does he really love me and if so why hasn't he tried to keep in contact? Would it be so hard to pick up the phone and call me while he's driving or something? Well except that you shouldn't be on your phone while you drive. Yeah that must be the reason he hasn't yet.

One thing I know is that when Jake was around, I felt happy. Happier then I have been in a long time, and I wasn't afraid to let my guard down and immerse myself in another person.

After Jake left I started getting these creepy IM's from somebody I didn't know and they were watching me on my web cam. Now when you're living by yourself in a big house you're going to get freaked out, especially when the person shows up.

The woman at the doorstep dropped the bombshell. She was my mother. It wasn't my dead mom coming back but my biological mother. That's right, I'm adopted. When I found out I was so upset and I think I had every right to be. How would you like to wake up one day and everything you knew was a lie? The things you thought you knew were no longer true. So now I have this woman wanting to get to know me and she tells me she has cancer. Cancer. One small word that carries so much weight with it. She's dying and soon enough I'll have two dead moms. Just what a girl always dreams about.

When I found out about Ellie, we talked a little and I got to know her some. She was a writer for a music magazine which is where I must get my love of music from. She had done drugs like me too. I begged her not to tell me she was an artist because I wanted to believe that I got my artistic abilities from my mom, the mom I always thought was my mom that is. Ellie said that she couldn't draw at all and I believed her. When she told me that, I just felt relieved because it let me keep that bond that I shared with my mom. The one that shows anyone that Peyton Sawyer is artistic because her mom is. Then I find a drawing she did of me from Halloween. That is when I felt taken advantage of and the walls I have grew ten feet taller and made of steel. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and she left town.

I have no idea where Ellie is now. I'm beginning to regret sending her away. She could have been someone to answer the remaining "girl" questions I might have. I could have learned more about the genes I have in common with her. The chance is gone now. All that's left is her cancer survivor bracelet and it's a constant reminder of how I drove Ellie away. I told her I didn't want anything to do with her and she listened.

I sent one person away and I must be sending the others away too. My mom wouldn't have died if she wasn't picking me up. My fault. My dad is always going on jobs to get money for me and him. Half of the reason he leaves is because of me. Jake left to get his daughter because I couldn't help him keep her safe from Nicki. If I could have done something to help him, he could have stayed in Tree Hill. Peyton, the bitch, chases them away.

I look away from my drawing and I've made up my mind. I know what I want to do, what I have to do. I go over to my computer and pick up my microphone to do one last podcast. This will be my letter. This will be my goodbye before I leave. I know that one of my friends will hear the podcast. I already know Nathan heard one of them before. He can tell the others why I did this. He can tell them that I said goodbye.

I talk to the people out there that have subscribed to my thoughts about life, music, and everything crappy that I have been through. They're my therapists. I thank them for listening and tell them that I will be leaving them and their services are no longer needed. I wipe the cool tears from my eyes as I sign off and go into the bathroom to pick up the razor blade from its place on the edge of the sink.

I look in the mirror one last time and see just a shell of myself. The happiness I once had has left me. I'm empty and hollow. I go back into my room and look through my albums to find the perfect song to play, the perfect song to reflect my emotions. I pull out _So Long, Astoria_ by The Ataris. How fitting. So long, Tree Hill. I skip through the album until it comes on to track six, "The Saddest Song." I listen to the lyrics and picture them in my head.

_I remember waiting for you to come_

_Remember waiting for you to call_

_Remember waiting there to find nothing at all._

Images of the ones I love and care about flash before me and I shut my eyes tightly to try to block them out because the images are too painful to see. I slide the razor across my left wrist. I wince in pain as the metal slices my flesh and tears sting my eyes. I open my eyes and see the blood that normally travels through my veins is now pouring from them and falling to the cream carpet. I take the blade and do the same thing to my right wrist. Blood is pouring fast from the wounds and there is a puddle at my feet. I start to get lightheaded and lay on the floor, too weak to stand anymore.

Then I hear a familiar male voice. I look towards the door, too tired to move and see who it is. Footsteps grow closer and my eyes are getting heavy as I slip in and out of consciousness.

Jake comes in dressed in white and I think I'm dreaming. I blink trying to see if it's really him. I try to call his name but nothing comes out.

Jake sees me lying in a pool of my own blood and comes rushing over to me. He pats my cheeks to try and get me to stay focused on him and then pulls the sheets off my bed and wraps them around my bleeding wrists to help stop the crimson liquid from flowing. He quickly dials 911 and tells them what's happening.

My eyes well up with tears at the sight of him here with me. He's crying and looks so confused. He has dark red stains on his shirt, pants, and hands. My blood. He kisses my forehead as he cries and begs me not to leave him. He tells me that he loves me.

I hear those words and no longer want to leave. I don't want to say goodbye to life. I don't want to say goodbye to him. I don't want to die. Those are the last thoughts I have before everything is black.

The next time I'm awake I look down at Jake and see him in my room crying into his hands over my bed. He's upset and confused. I want to comfort him and hold him in my arms but I can't.

You see the thing I forgot about leaving is that sometimes they come back. When my dad doesn't have a job to do he comes back. Haley left the tour and came back to Tree Hill to be with Nathan. Jake has come back once before. The return is even more special because you can remember how much you missed them and appreciate them more when they're with you.

My departure is permanent. I've left for good and now my friends and family are left to deal with my leaving. They all gather to say goodbye to me. They stand around the tombstone engraved:

_Peyton Sawyer_

_1988-2006_

_Loving daughter and friend. _

A/N- That's it. Please let me know what you think.


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